A while ago I succumbed yet again to a trial of internet dating, this time as an experiment I wrote a very tongue in cheek profile which stated the total obvious of the flaws of internet dating. I wrote about how false many profiles were. I really should have saved that profile but it went along the lines of …Internet dating is a bit like supermarket shopping, the items on display looked great and tantalising, you end up buying it even though it wasn’t what you needed and it wasn’t even on your list. You took a taste and maybe even ate it then instantly felt sick afterwards vowing never to do that again. I then went on to say that I was dubious about the success of this way of meeting someone. That most were looking with unrealistic eyes, the men in my age group between 40-60 expected a much younger woman but they were no Brad Pitt that they really should take a long hard look in the mirror.
Or they could meet a woman who was childless and her body clock was ticking.
A bunny boiler that had a wedding ring and babies on her mind at the first coffee date or some kind of messed up damaged fatal attraction femme fatale that would stalk them to the ends of the earth and if they dared start texting them and forget to reply then a menopausal time bomb would erupt, hell hath no fury like a scorned forgotten woman!
I stated that I thought I was normal enough and liked what any normal person would like but I didn’t cook like Jamie Oliver, massage like a Thai woman, run marathons, travel the world constantly, or jump out of planes. I was looking for a fun person that enjoyed the simple pleasures in life, Wining and dining, some travelling, walking and just chilling. But most importantly had grown up children like I did that weren’t a handful anymore. I said a few more things that I can’t remember but all in all it flowed just beautifully at the time and even I was happy with the finished result of my profile and couldn’t help but laugh.
Surprisingly I had so many virtual kisses and emails that I just couldn’t keep up with the replies. So many enjoyed this brutally honest profile. Of course most of them looked like Old Hillbillies.
I even had a throng of fans that had reached 70 years old and lived in some outback remote area I had never heard of regardless of the fact that I had made it clear the age group I was considering was in the range of 5 years younger or maximum 10 years older.
I finally received a virtual kiss from a handsome younger man. He was 7 years younger. At the time I seriously only wanted to meet someone my own age or older but I replied with a virtual kiss along the lines of thank you I liked your profile too as I honestly thought he was a nice guy and deserved the return compliment. He then emailed me back complimenting my profile and how funny it was but spot on. He also couldn’t help but say that even though he knew he wasn’t my ideal match and I his that he couldn’t help but be attracted to a confident gorgeous older woman who had an obvious sense of humour.
Hell I wasn’t much older but I had to reply back that I also found him very attractive and it was a shame we weren’t at the same stages in our lives considering we lived 15 minutes apart too. He replied yes but maybe we should meet just as friends anyway and have a laugh exchanging our internet stories. I thought what the heck so we exchanged phone numbers and of course we were an instant hit by phone talking and laughing for a couple of hours. Arrangements were made for the following week. The day arrived so off I went feeling very casual about it, not nervous at all, just like I was about to meet an old friend.
We caught each other’s eyes and instantly laughed. After 10 minutes chatting over a coffee he says ‘Hey you’re a great chick, we get on well lets ditch the coffee and head over the road to a great little wine bar that also makes mean Cocktails. I thought why the hell not! The alternative was going home to sit by the TV with a cup of tea and my two dogs and sift through a mass of net profiles of men that had been spawned from a rather shallow gene pool. It was an easy decision to agree.
We talked animatedly for several hours and 5 cocktails later, a bottle of wine and some food he then asks ‘Would you be interested in coming to my place its nearby, I have Bollinger in the fridge , some old Motown disco, Bee Gees, Boogie wonderland and Elton John on the iPod. No pressure I promise to behave.’
Well by now we had spent the last 6 hours together having a roaring fun night, would I refuse an offer like that?? Hell NO! Off we went.
We enter his tiny studio apartment, he puts on a few candles and turns the iPod on and pops the Bollinger..now I just adore Bollinger and who wouldn’t. This guy sure is smooth haha and has some class at least. The usual internet dates balk at even buying you a damn coffee, let alone Cocktails all night, dinner and now Bollinger. He wasn’t a Tycoon either in fact at the time he was struggling using his savings to create a Surfing global board sports fashion website. He was no dummy either. How refreshing he was compared to the men that either were still caught up thinking about how the ex-wife burned them or now lived with their parents because they paid so much child support that they had none left to live on their own. Or had just lost the desire or capability to forge a new path and were dwelling in a pool of self-pity and depression. Not mocking depression as I have been there myself. Internet dating can actually send you further down into that bottomless black pit!! But for now I was just enjoying a fun date out. Wasn’t that what dating should be about? FUN?
I’m like well if he can do I will too!! But of course my bravado was fuelled by the last 6 hours of festive drinking!! Also how can a woman not feel confident with candlelight hiding any flaws she perceives herself to have. So I strip off down to my underwear, feeling very sexy and we did a bit of a dance off to the disco beats and with lots of smooching and groping. It was so much fun.
But instead of falling into bed we both fell on the couch too inebriated to act out any passionate impulses. He fell on his bed and instantly started snoring quietly and I knew I was too tipsy to drive so I crashed on the couch. As soon as first daylight streamed through the blinds I bolted upright, quietly dressed tiptoed out through the front door and bolted to my car! I wasn’t going to dare spoil the illusion he had of me as a gorgeous sexy fun woman who could dance like Beyonce with the harsh vision of a hangover face and panda bear eyes!
As soon as I arrived home he sent a text saying ‘Where is my tiny dancer, come back?’
“In my bed about to snooze but thanks so much for such a fun non-date! I replied.
‘Well just remember let me know if you want to do go on a non-date again with someone who isn’t your ideal date. I will make sure I have some Bollinger and Elton John playing!’
‘I will keep it in mind thank you. I have to admit I love dancing in my underwear and drinking Bollinger!’
Who knows maybe this Tiny Dancer might dance in her underwear again one day….you really can’t beat the feeling ha!