Recently a friend told me about her latest date she had met on the internet. This guy had asked her to meet early for breakfast. She arrived and noticed he had already ordered. She thought it a bit odd as she wasn’t late but let the thought go and ordered herself some toast and coffee out of politeness. They chatted for an hour meanwhile he kept asking questions about her house and where she lived, all the while he was being overly friendly by touching her arm and leg. He kept insisting that he would love to see her house and could she take him there after breakfast. My friend was against taking a stranger to her home, apart from being a stranger, she had two sons, though grownup she was still reluctant to take any man that she hardly knew home – she tried to explain this to him. The bill came, suddenly he says “You will need to give me $15 as I only brought enough money for my own order.” My friend was shocked but didn’t say anything and gave him the money. He walked her to her car and continued pressuring her to take him to her house. She refused and finally he left without a backward glance.
My heart went out to her hearing all this, as the last date she had before this one had asked to meet her at the beachfront cafe/bar strip to go for a drink. When she arrived he wanted to sit on the grass to talk and he had one solo bottle of beer in his pocket for himself, nothing for her and had no intention of buying her a drink, not even a soda.
I said to my friend “At least you found out early that he wasn’t a gentleman and even more importantly that he is ‘Stingy Cheapskate’
It made me think back over my own recent string of dates. It seemed that since the invention of the internet the whole dating scene had changed. People were not only fickle, but the majority I had met also had showed themselves to be tight arsed penny pinchers – that didn’t mean they had a cute arse either! The men over 50 had illusions that they looked as good as Brad Pitt, wanted a much younger woman and were oblivious to their own aging image in the mirror. They would freely open their wallet on a girl half their age but a woman their own age, no. Some were also seeking a woman with her own house to support them and quite often they had nothing to compare. The men were either penniless from an ex wife clearing out their life savings and paying too much child support or still in the shock of the marriage breakdown. They found it hard to be alone or get on their feet financially so they ended up back living with their parents. I understand how men are burnt and have heard some horror stories of nasty women taking them to the cleaners and some have deserved it. I personally got nothing from my ex – husband, I had to provide for myself from the age of 17. I understand what it is to budget to survive but it doesn’t stop me enjoying life. I will often go out with friends have a lovely meal, take holidays, live life as you just never know when your number is up. I also am quite happy to pay my way on dates – I’m not a gold digger but I do believe if a man asks a lady out initially he should pay.
I also have to blame my father somewhat as he set the standard high from my young age. Though he was once a low wage earner, he was a true gentleman in that he always paid for the lady, opened doors, pulled back chairs, and walked on the kerb side of the road.
Yes I know some feminist type women abhor that behaviour, thinking it condescending and demeaning but I personally love it when a man does this it make me feel special. Of course I don’t like a bully or an abusive man, so there has to be a balance – there is really nothing more attractive to women than a confident man that makes the decisions. Some dear men will try too hard, ending up being a doormat and appearing gayish and wimpy for their effort. I’ve had a couple of boyfriends that tried way too hard, talking too much, fidgeting constantly, and playing piano with their fingers on all surfaces as they can’t keep still from nerves. This behaviour resulted in me feeling like the man and being irritated by his constant noisy chatter and fidgeting. I would react by asking him to stop fidgeting and be quite, especially times when you were watching a movie! The problem was instead of my comments stopping his irritating nervous behaviour, it would only enhance it. Resulting in the need for me to terminate the relationship no matter how good-looking or nice he was. If you constantly feel like you want to swat your boyfriend like a fly, then you know it’s just not going to work out!
It really is a tricky balance and probably men are best at bluffing with confidence and taking a chance in making a few decisions without trying to hard, keeping a slight mystery to them. We naturally all get attracted to confidence, intelligence, and a mystery. If you can’t fake all that at least be a very funny man, that goes a long way too as long as it isn’t in a GAY way. No flapping hand movements while you talk, hands on hip posturing, rolling eyes or lady like walks – we are onto you and will instantly think you are a closet queer even if you don’t know it yourself yet!
No woman wants to feel like a man in the relationship unless she is gay maybe! No insults to the gay populations, but seriously you must know what I’m getting at. Yes it’s a hard balance, women are demanding I agree!
Anyhow back to one of my most recent dates – I should have titled this ‘How to spot a Stingy Man’
Recently I was set up on Facebook through a friend that knew I was single. I couldn’t bare to try internet dating again as I had never had success in the past and every time I glanced on those sites I saw the same ugly mug shots that were put on there 10 years prior when I first tried it. In the world of selfie technology today, it amazes me that internet dating profiles use such old photos, obviously there are a lot of liars on there playing games about their age or just pure lazy to update their profiles.
Anyhow my friend’s mate calls me and asks me to meet him at the local bar at 4pm that day. I arrive and notice it is happy hour so we order drinks. I had been busy all day forgetting to eat and could feel my stomach grumbling. I asked if he would like to share a bar snack while we had a drink. Straight away he piped up “Oh no thanks I need to get home for dinner soon, as Mum and Dad will have dinner waiting for me’.
I blinked and replied ‘Oh really you live with your mum and dad?. He said yes for now as he had sold his house a while back, had moved around, had a relationship but broke up with his girlfriend then moved back to live with his parents. He had also just returned from a holiday overseas with friends and was still living with his parents while searching for the right place to buy.
“Okay so is tonight a special dinner because you have been away?” I said with a hopeful smile – it ticked over in my mind that it was odd he had asked me out and only ten minutes into the date he was telling me he had to rush home for dinner soon.
“No it’s not a special occasion but Mum has party pies and sausage rolls on tonight” said my date with a deadpan serious face.
I nearly spat out my wine and laughing replied “Are you serious, you are rushing home to eat heated frozen party pies and sausage rolls?”
He nodded and by the look on his face I knew he wasn’t joking.
“Well I’m starving and must eat if I’m drinking, I will pay for it so don’t worry about that” I replied with a look of bemusement. The food soon arrived looking delicious, I prodded him to try some, he gave in and went along to eat half the plate!
I had to shake my head and laugh but he seemed quite oblivious to my reaction. I kept asking questions as the writer in me naturally loves to weed out information and I always found that in listening rather than talking you learnt so much more about a person. He rambled on telling me about his last relationship, he even said he normally went for brunettes (hmm I’m blonde). I asked why he became single. He went onto to explain how his last girlfriend got annoyed with him as he didn’t like working much, if at all. He usually did odd jobs he could find here and there and generally only worked around 5 months of the year. His perfect day consisted of walking to the beach, going for a swim.
“Ok I often go for a walk with my two dogs for early morning exercise, we have walking in common.” I commented with a hopeful voice.
Straight away he pipes up “Oh you have dogs, why did you do that, they are so much trouble.” He explained he had an old dog when he was first married, it was a lot of trouble to care for a dog. It eventually died and he was happy he didn’t have that responsibility anymore. I think my mouth might have scowled slightly when I replied “Oh really, well I adore my dogs and wouldn’t be without them. They are great company and keep me fit, not forgetting being great watchdogs.” Immediately he lost the 6 points he gained when I thought we had walking in common, back to 1 point for turning up for the date. It wasn’t looking good! I rushed to the ladies room to compose myself.
I returned to my seat. “So what other hobbies do you have apart from going to the beach.” I inhaled deeply hoping there was more to his life.
“No that’s it, I just like to walk to the beach, swim and sunbake a few hours then head home for lunch.” again with his deadpan serious face. I was beginning to think maybe he was a bit simple in the head. “Ah right, okay, so what do you do all afternoon after lunch?” I said while trying to keep from yawning.
“I like to play games on the internet. ” So far he hadn’t asked anything about me. Suddenly as if reading my thoughts he pipes up “I noticed once on facebook that you don’t cook much anymore and seem to be out at restaurants all the time. A bit disappointing as I can’t cook and was hoping to meet someone who liked cooking.”
Laughing I replied “Well yes you know I have been a sole parent for 16 years. I used to cook every night and now my grown kids don’t need me to – one moved out and the other cooks for himself. One of my hobbies happens to be freelance writing. I write reviews on cafes, restaurants, theatre, walks, all manner of things really, so yes you could say I live a busy social life and don’t cook much anymore but if I had the right partner then I’m sure I could manage a few dishes.”
He replied that he wasn’t into a busy social life and rarely left his local area to go out especially not crossing the Harbour Bridge to the city. He generally walked everywhere and when going out it would be friends barbecues or if a restaurant only for special occasions. He rarely ate out, hated spicy food, hated Japanese, in fact he generally only liked very plain food. (meaning aussie fare like steak, pies and sausage rolls) I was laughing away inside almost falling off my chair at this guy openly telling me all this and he wasn’t joking!
He also said quite a few times that he was looking for a job walking distance from his parent’s house but really he would be happy not to work at all, as who really wants to work.
“I like working!” I replied with a look of absolute astonishment. “I agree that as you get older, it’s natural that you want to have a balance of time to enjoy things one liked but work not only paid for a life, it gave you some sense of purpose, well it does for me.” I could see he didn’t agree or maybe my comments didn’t even register in his brain. I almost heard them hit the sides of his skull and ricoheted off into nothingness.
He droned on seemingly quite proud of his lifestyle and choices. He went on to say how he had liked a mutual friend we both knew. I couldn’t help but ask if he had dated her. He replied he had tried to but she only wanted to be friends, even after he asked if she could be a friend with benefits at least as he would have been quite happy with that. I felt bile rise in my throat on hearing this last comment. Was this guy for REAL? (probably a friend with benefits is perfect for this guy who doesn’t want to spend a penny)
I was starting to feel numb with disappointment and didn’t have it in me to bother asking anymore questions. I had heard all I needed and more. Thank god the bill came. I got my money out to pay, but he refused my money as I think he realized he had stuffed up the date. Considering I only had one happy hour $5 drink and he had eaten half the bar snack along with several beers, I didn’t protest.
He seemed quite keen to catch up again asking if I would like to. ” Thanks maybe, hey you should hurry home as your parents are waiting, nothing worse than cold pies is there?” I said with a fake laugh.
I knew he was a nice enough guy and obviously an honest one for him to tell me about his true self so openly. It was also obvious he was slightly ignorant in how to act on a first date and what amount of information to disclose. I felt relieved it was over and headed home feeling quite deflated and extremely tired not sure whether from boredom or from the knowledge of how poor my dating experiences were becoming. This man appeared so completely opposite to me in every way in regard to his lifestyle, interests and I think the most repellent factor was his honest desire not to work or very little as possible. I truly believed he was looking for a different type of women to me, a much more budget minded one in every way!
It reminded me of my past dates that were stingy. For those of you that might have similar experiences I have compiled 20 point tip list titled ‘How to Spot a Stingy Person’.